TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not Trump Tower Damascus open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "If You Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will even consist of:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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